The Undocumented Culture and Unwritten Rules of Figure Skating for Moms

There are some things about figure skating that no one will tell you. I don’t know why no one will tell you. On my more cynical days I think it’s because of a kind parental competitiveness: a fear that the newest child to the scene will overtake one’s own child in skill and talent. Other times I think it’s because of a kind of pervasive disbelief that the new kids will stick with the sport. And sometimes I think the reluctance to say any of the unspoken culture and conventions is related to a pay-your-dues kind of mentality (“I had to figure it all out on my own so you should too…”)

In any case, here are some things I’ve had to figure out on my own:

1) All figure skating clubs are not created equal (and this is true for both beginner and more advanced programs). Learn to Skate programs are revenue generators for Clubs. This means that a Club may have a vested interest in not testing beginner level skaters such that they advance as quickly as they are able through LTS Levels. If you are the parent of a beginning skater who has really taken to the ice and is learning quickly, pay attention to the skills attached to each level. Ask program leaders to test your child when you feel fairly certain your child has mastered those skills. If you find a club that's really good at delivering a Learn to Skate Program, stick with it.

2) All figure skating clubs are not created equal. If you start asking for your child to be tested, you may be given the cold shoulder by program leaders (if the Club is politicized in a nasty sort of way). They may start treating you like you’re the archetypal stage Mom. If this starts to happen, find another club. Program leaders should be delighted when they encounter kids who love the sport and show some early talent. When you find Program leaders like this, stick with them and with their Program.

3) All coaches are not created equal. Spend some time watching coaches interact with their skaters. I look for a balance between the rapport coaches have with their skaters and rigorous attention to detail in skills development. Involve your child in choosing a coach. Kids need a coach who they can love and laugh with as well as one who can challenge them to work at the outside edges of their abilities and give them appropriate support. And your child needs a coach who you trust to coach well.

4) Once you’ve chosen a coach, he or she becomes the boss at the rink. Don’t second-guess your child’s coach. Don’t interfere in the coaching of your child. Don’t get your child involved with a second coach without the prior knowledge and approval of the first coach. Don’t go behind your child’s coach for any reason. If another coach approaches you about coaching your child, tell them you can’t have that conversation without talking to your child’s coach first. If you have questions or concerns, ask. But remember that this is your child’s coach, not yours.

5) Temper your enthusiasm for your child’s accomplishments when in the company of other skaters’ parents. You can learn a lot by listening to parents talk. And one of the things you might learn by listening is how pride can distort support for a child into extraordinary pressure for perfection or accomplishment. What bothers you may not bother your child one iota and my observation is that so much of the time, the kids are right. Stay out of rink and club gossip. Listen because the rink and club politics are interesting, but do not engage.

6) In as much as seems responsible, let your child be the leader in determining how often he or she will practice, compete, and test. My experience is that when you give children support and let them choose, they’ll make good choices.

7) There are exceptions to everything. Watch and listen and de-center so you’re ready if the exceptional occurs.